Friday, February 29, 2008


Text above reads: "Methinks I see the wanton hours flee, and as they pass, turn back and laugh at me." --George Villiers

SHELLED v: referring to a pitcher who is getting hit hard by the offense. alt: referring to a baseball mom who gets hit daily with the realization that her kids are growing up.

This is me...and it is happening with frightening regularity. Unceasing, really...and when I stop to think about it, I can literally feel myself starting to feel the littlest bit hysterical. Really. My heart rate speeds up, and I get jittery. It's the same feeling that you get when you slam on the brakes and realize you just came inches from hitting or getting hit.

Taylor called me a couple days ago, and told me "Mom! It looks like I'm going to Illinois to play ball this summer!" and he is very excited. Me? Not so much. I am wondering about the sudden drumming in my ears, and the sensation of my heart sitting in the heel of my little pink sloggers. I'm thinking "Illinois? that's like one-two-three-forty states away!" and I'm saying all the wrong things, like "AWESOME!" and "I'm so excited for you!" and it is hitting me VERY hard that he has, in fact, moved out. Moved on. Left me behind. and I am trying really, really hard not to be sad about that.

Then yesterday, my three years plus a decade (yes, I realize that makes him 13...Play along, will ya?) lil guy goes to baseball practice. And I have forgotten to take him to get his bag out of dad's car (again) so I leave him there, and I go run and grab it. I return, and he is already in the batters box, taking a few pitches. And he is hitting them. Really hard. Into the outfield. At a high school practice. With some kids who are legally adults. and I know I am supposed to be really glad, because the assumption is that if he is doing this, then he is prety darned good...but all I really see is that RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY FACE--WHILE I WAS WATCHING he also grew up, and he is just that much closer to being gone as well. So I stand there. A little amazed, and a little saddened. And I cannot even begin to imagine. I do not want to have days not filled with my kids. I don't.

And just in case you're wondering what about Chloe...she is of course, a different ball of wax. I am way too excited about what the future holds for her to be wishing her small again. I am enjoying the journey with her...probably because I know that she will be the one to always come home. The boys will end up at the home of their wives. I am trying to reconcile this notion. Chloe, and her future husband: They're mine. And if the power lies within me to change the social norms with the boys, I will. Believe me.

1 comment:

  1. OH this makes me sad to read this!! It seems so exciting to move one and move out when your at that age, like a new adventure! but your right i cant even imagine what it is going to be like without katelyn everyday and for her to be grown up!!! but as i read your blogs i become more in tune with time and try to make everyday longer for she is only a blink away from the future and what it holds for her!!